is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
