I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
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He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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