So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
