brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
