There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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