i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
