dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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