Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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