I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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