Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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