the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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