If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
