Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
