I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
All I want is dick and wine.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
