Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
