So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
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A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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