My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
