I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes