Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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