You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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