saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
