So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
