awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
