I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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