We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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