he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
