First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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