I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
