We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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