She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
