Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The air was thick with penises
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
