This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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