Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
