I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
