Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
