for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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