dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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