i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
