fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
