just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
