I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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