She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
