She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
