just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
