I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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