i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
