This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
