and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
