I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
