i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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