the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
