Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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