Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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