Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my shit smells like andre
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
