So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
