This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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