Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
