He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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