I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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